Onmywaytobeauty's Blog

Is there a doctor in the house?

January 12, 2011
1 Comment

I’m not talking about a general practitioner, here.  I’m talking about the head-shrinking kind.  (Every time I say that, I think of when I was a kid and would put my thumb and index finger in front of my eye, so it looked like it was framing someone’s head from across the room, and I’d bring the two fingers together and say “I squish your head”.  Every time.)

I used to think that I was depressed because I was fat.  Yes, I *was* fat.  Since I started this blog (which I’ve been extremely unfaithful to–I apologize), I’ve lost 107 pounds with the help of the Realize band.  107 POUNDS!!!  I topped off at 257 on December 22, 2009.  At the time, I was on anti-depressants and had told my sister on at least 2 different occasions that she’d never been “slit-your-wrists-depressed”, that she couldn’t possibly know what I was going through.  Thankfully, she still doesn’t.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  And that was my reasoning for going through with the surgery–I didn’t want to be depressed anymore.  I didn’t realize then, and have only recently come to the conclusion, that the depression wasn’t a symptom of my weight.  It was the other way around.  My weight was a symptom of my depression.  I’m currently off all of my medications, which makes me feel good, and also terrified, because I want to stay off of them.  I’m a healthy 150 pounds (still wanting to lose a few more, but I’m pretty sure I can do it on my own), living close to my family at the current time; I have 2 wonderfully beautiful kids and a great, supportive husband.  There’s no “reason” for a girl to feel depressed, right?  Well… I do.  It’s uncontrollable.  And what do I want to do right now?  I want to snuggle up on the couch with a bag of tortilla chips and warm queso and watch a movie.  Alone.  Of course, having the band, I’m unable to do this, which is a good thing.  I need to find a new outlet for my anxiety and depression.  Probably, I should have been seeing a therapist the whole last year.  Too late for “should-a, could’a, would’a”, I guess.  People who have never suffered from depression tell me to “get over it”, that it’s “mind over matter” and I just have to decide to be happy.  I’m not sad.  I don’t have the “blues”.  I suffer from a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I would love to see you control your hormones.  Really.  Do it, right now.  Please.  Change your progesterone levels.  Testosterone, maybe?  No?  Didn’t think so.  I thought I could make myself be happy.  I thought I could force my body to get thin, or at least not be a fat cow anymore, and that would get rid of the depression.  But, like I said, the depression wasn’t a symptom of my weight, like I had thought.  My weight was a symptom of my depression.

Oh, I’ve had people tell me that I’m not right with God; that if I trust in Him (as if I don’t), that I wont be depressed anymore.  That I’m “back slid”.  God is my refuge, my constant help.  He gave this to me for a reason.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m trusting in Him to see me through it.  And if God chooses to have me use medication again to overcome it, then that’s what I’ll do.  But I’m trusting in Him, always.  I thought that I could handle this on my own, that bariatric surgery would cure me of my depression.  I was wrong.  Not that I have any regrets–I’m healthy and strong and fit.  I can chase my kids and play with them and carry them up the stairs without feeling like I’m going to die by the time I reach the top.  But I was wrong to think that I could force myself out of depression.