Onmywaytobeauty's Blog

Challenges…

May 17, 2011
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Well, it’s been a *long* while since I’ve updated here.  Sorry about that, my few readers.  Since my last post, I’ve had a few challenges.

Let me tell you something that I don’t think many people know.  I certainly didn’t know it… Anyway, when you’re sick, like head cold sick, sinus infection, whatever–your stomach lining gets inflamed!  Who know, right?  Well, back in January, I got a stomach bug and some sort of cold/flu thing.  Needless to say, I was puking my guts out (hard to do with the band, let me tell ya), plus coughing and having inflamed lungs, sinus pressure, etc.  And I couldn’t eat.  Every time I put something in my mouth and swallowed, it just got stuck, and I had to throw up.  Fun times.  So, I called up my bariatric surgeon’s office and made an appointment.  He took out 1cc of saline from my band, and I quit looking like one of the Olson twins.  A few weeks later, I went back and he put it back in.  I got down to 140 pounds!  Woo hoo!!!  I’d been fluctuating between 138 and 140 for several months and was starting to think that I was finally going to be be able to maintain my weight.  5 pounds below my goal.  Awesome!

About a month and a half ago, I started coughing at night.  A dry, hacking, take-my-breath-away cough.  I took over the counter medications, used a humidifier/vaporizer… nothing helped.  It kept me up all night.  But it was just a cough.  A few weeks ago, I started coughing during the day.  Still not a big deal.  Just a cough.  Around that time, I started to just not be hungry anymore.  I was still maintaining my weight.  I just wasn’t hungry.  Then, I started to not be able to eat.  We’d sit down to dinner, I’d fix my plate with about 1/4 cup of food, and take a bite or two, then have to go throw up.  What the heck?  The coughing got worse, the food consumed got less.  About a week and a half ago, I couldn’t keep down liquids.   I finally broke down and went to the doctor, which was a hard choice, since we don’t currently have health insurance.  He gave me an inhaler, some antibiotics (which helped a ton with my sinus infection), and some cough meds.  Nothing stopped the coughing, and over the weekend I really got sick.  The meds made me lose what little appetite I had, and I started throwing up even more.  I went back on Monday.  He said I had a stomach bug and gave me a shot for nausea and the same medicine in pill form.  Well, let me tell you, that shot knocked me on my butt.  In about 30 seconds.  The receptionist had to get me a wheel chair and my mom had to push me out to the car.  Good thing she was with me, because I never would have made it home.  Oh, I forgot to mention that between my appointment on Thursday afternoon and the one on Monday morning, I lost 5 pounds.  I still couldn’t eat or drink anything.  Tuesday afternoon, my sister dragged my butt to the ER.  I called my surgeon’s office (Dr. Monash) from Tucson, AZ (I really miss that office), and told them what was going on, and my surgeon called me himself.  When I told him what was going on, he told me to have them take all of the saline out of my band.  Apparently, when you have a stomach bug and a sinus infection, your stomach really gets inflamed!  So, they admit me to the ER, I go and get a gown on and sit on the bed, waiting.  The doc comes in, I tell him what I need, and he tells me the ER isn’t equipped to do that!!!  WHAT?  I told you what was wrong and what I needed when I checked in, again when I went to Triage, and you admitted me, knowing there was nothing you could do?  Remember, my friends, I have no insurance.  I was mad, and I was scared.  By this time, it’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve had any real sustenance.  The ER doc told me to call and make an appointment… gee, thanks.  Because I can wait another week to eat.  So, near tears, I told him that I couldn’t wait that long, and don’t they have a bariatric surgeon in the hospital?  Of course, they did.  He went and made a call, and my darling hubby came and sat next to me and just prayed that, somehow, I could get the help I needed.  About 10 minutes later, the doc came back into the room and told me that the doctors up in the bariatric ward were getting ready to leave, but they would wait for me.  I was discharged and wheeled up to the 6th floor on the other side of the hospital.  Filled out some paperwork.  Oh, I forgot to tell you that my sister went to Sonic and got me a shake.  I drank it, most of it, but it took me over an hour, and I felt so stuffed.  This is a couple hours later, and I still have that stuffed turkey feeling… So, anyway, I’m laying on the exam table, the doc took out 1cc of saline and had me sit up to drink some water.  Danny pipes in that my surgeon from Tucson (whom I miss!!!) said to have them take it all out.  He has me lay back down and pulls the rest of the saline out of my band.  11cc’s.  As he does this, I feel that shake, and probably the rest of the water and fluids I’d tried to consume throughout the day, go gushing into my stomach!  It was the strangest feeling!  Like a dam had burst.  It was crazy.  So, I was sitting there while he filled out some stuff on the computer, and there was a poster on the wall about symptoms of the band being too loose, just right, and too tight–one of the symptoms of it being too tight: night cough.   The doc told me that most people who have all the saline taken out will gain 10-15 pounds in about 2 weeks.  My mentality, at the time, was I could use 10-15 pounds… I was skin and bones.  Seriously.  Not well.  Now, a week later, I’m up 10 pounds.  Trying to not freak out.  It was necessary.  And I look healthy.  I don’t think it would kill me to lose a few more pounds and tighten/tone my muscles (which will probably make me drop another pant size or two–woohoo!), but not by starvation.  I *like* food!  lol  So, I’m going to give it a couple of weeks and see how I do on my own before making an appointment to get a fill.  We’ll see.  I’ll be posting pictures soon.

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Is there a doctor in the house?

January 12, 2011
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I’m not talking about a general practitioner, here.  I’m talking about the head-shrinking kind.  (Every time I say that, I think of when I was a kid and would put my thumb and index finger in front of my eye, so it looked like it was framing someone’s head from across the room, and I’d bring the two fingers together and say “I squish your head”.  Every time.)

I used to think that I was depressed because I was fat.  Yes, I *was* fat.  Since I started this blog (which I’ve been extremely unfaithful to–I apologize), I’ve lost 107 pounds with the help of the Realize band.  107 POUNDS!!!  I topped off at 257 on December 22, 2009.  At the time, I was on anti-depressants and had told my sister on at least 2 different occasions that she’d never been “slit-your-wrists-depressed”, that she couldn’t possibly know what I was going through.  Thankfully, she still doesn’t.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  And that was my reasoning for going through with the surgery–I didn’t want to be depressed anymore.  I didn’t realize then, and have only recently come to the conclusion, that the depression wasn’t a symptom of my weight.  It was the other way around.  My weight was a symptom of my depression.  I’m currently off all of my medications, which makes me feel good, and also terrified, because I want to stay off of them.  I’m a healthy 150 pounds (still wanting to lose a few more, but I’m pretty sure I can do it on my own), living close to my family at the current time; I have 2 wonderfully beautiful kids and a great, supportive husband.  There’s no “reason” for a girl to feel depressed, right?  Well… I do.  It’s uncontrollable.  And what do I want to do right now?  I want to snuggle up on the couch with a bag of tortilla chips and warm queso and watch a movie.  Alone.  Of course, having the band, I’m unable to do this, which is a good thing.  I need to find a new outlet for my anxiety and depression.  Probably, I should have been seeing a therapist the whole last year.  Too late for “should-a, could’a, would’a”, I guess.  People who have never suffered from depression tell me to “get over it”, that it’s “mind over matter” and I just have to decide to be happy.  I’m not sad.  I don’t have the “blues”.  I suffer from a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I would love to see you control your hormones.  Really.  Do it, right now.  Please.  Change your progesterone levels.  Testosterone, maybe?  No?  Didn’t think so.  I thought I could make myself be happy.  I thought I could force my body to get thin, or at least not be a fat cow anymore, and that would get rid of the depression.  But, like I said, the depression wasn’t a symptom of my weight, like I had thought.  My weight was a symptom of my depression.

Oh, I’ve had people tell me that I’m not right with God; that if I trust in Him (as if I don’t), that I wont be depressed anymore.  That I’m “back slid”.  God is my refuge, my constant help.  He gave this to me for a reason.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m trusting in Him to see me through it.  And if God chooses to have me use medication again to overcome it, then that’s what I’ll do.  But I’m trusting in Him, always.  I thought that I could handle this on my own, that bariatric surgery would cure me of my depression.  I was wrong.  Not that I have any regrets–I’m healthy and strong and fit.  I can chase my kids and play with them and carry them up the stairs without feeling like I’m going to die by the time I reach the top.  But I was wrong to think that I could force myself out of depression.


Could my life be more frustrating?

July 21, 2010
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(Think Chandler Bing from Friends when reading my title!)

So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything.  What can I say?  I’m a busy part-time working/stay at home wife/mother… I don’t have time.  🙂  BUT I’m taking a moment now to let you know how I’m doing–my weight loss success or failure, and what all is going on in my life right now–believe me, it’s a lot!

As of this morning, I FINALLY got past the 190’s.  Not by much, but finally.  I got on the scale at 189 even this morning (my scale is digital and gives me the closest tenth of a pound).  I’ve been fighting with the low 190’s for weeks.  Finally, I’ve had a breakthrough, and I’m relieved and satisfied.  Weight loss to date: 68 pounds!  That’s since Christmas.  58 since my surgery on January 27th.

Now, as for the rest of my life… it’s been crazy.  My husband is getting medically retired from the Air Force.  We’re moving from Tucson, AZ, to Dayton, OH, and don’t know much of what we’re doing.  Probably will be staying with my parents for a while until we get settled.  My hubby’s going to be taking a principal/teaching job at a very small school that can’t afford to pay him enough for us to live on.  Therefore, I’ve been spending the last several months looking for a job for myself.  I’ve found a prospective house, but chances are we wont be able to get a loan, because we wont be able to pay for it…  I’m heading out next weekend with my kids and the dog to try to find myself a job.  If I have a job, we’ll have the money we need for a mortgage payment.  Hopefully.  Trying to pack and clean and organize my life while looking online for jobs half-way across the country and trying to not get scammed by all those evil people out there… more often than not, the responses I’ve gotten from prospective jobs have been scams.  It’s frustrating and discouraging!  How’s anyone supposed to find a REAL job, when the only responses are from scammers looking to steal what little money you have??  Anyway.

It’s a 3-day drive to family.  Glad I don’t have to do it by myself.  Having my big ol’ Copper with me will probably be a bother at times, but he’ll definitely make me feel safer.  Ain’t nobody gonna mess with us when we’ve got my monster.  🙂


Restoration

January 25, 2010
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I’m so glad that my God is in the restoration business!!  No matter what kind of a mess we make of our lives, He can always tear down our mistakes and make something new.  He makes all things new.  And that’s not always an easy process, sometimes it’s painful.  Sometimes it takes a long time.  But no matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, what you’ve been through, my Savior WANTS to make things new.  He wants to heal your broken heart; He wants to restore your marriage  He wants to wash away your past, your failures, your regrets.  He wants to restore your life and make it new!!

You spoke and made the sunrise, to light up the very first day
You breathed across the water, and started the very first wave
It was You
You intoduced Your glory, to every living creature on earth
And they started singing, the first song to ever be heard
They sang for You

You make all things new
You make all things new

Then the world was broken, fallen and battered and scarred
You took the hopeless, the life, wasted, ruined and marred
And made it new

You make all things new
You make all things new
You redeem and You transform
You renew and You restore
You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

You turn winter into spring
You take every living thing
And You breathe Your breath of life into it over and over again

You made the sunrise, day after day after day
But there’s a morning coming, when old things will all pass away
And everyone will see

You make all things new
You make all things new
Come redeem and come transform
Come renew and come restore
You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

Now and forever You are making all things new
You’re making all things new

Hallelujah…

~Steven Curtis Chapman, All Things New