Onmywaytobeauty's Blog

I must be insane…

October 28, 2012
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Well, I’m back.  I figured, 8 months after having a baby, it’s time to get back on the wagon and back on track. And to help me out, my darling sister has suggested that I do *this* with her in February:


And I’m considering it, which means I *must* be insane.  Right?  I’m about 50 pounds away from my goal weight, and I’ve got 4 months to get there and get trained for a mud-ridden, smelly, HARD obstacle course.  So, not only do I have to lose the weight, I have to actually train and get in shape and be FIT.  Maybe I wont die…  I’m still trying to psych myself up and convince myself that I’m actually *able* to get into the kind of shape I’ll need to be in to compete in this.  In less than 4 months.  4. Months.  Yep, I’m convinced: I am, in fact, insane.  BUT I’m gonna do it anyway.  Will it be hard?  I can only imagine!  But it’ll be worth it.  If I can do *this*, I can do ANYTHING.  Now, all I have to do is figure out how I’m going to train as though my life depends on it and take care of my 3 kids while my husband is working the night shift and sleeping most of the day.  It should be interesting.  I *do* have the Insanity workout DVD’s and a pull up bar.  What I lack is a drill sergeant to motivate me to *use* them!  If only my sister would come stay with me and keep me on track.  But she can’t, so it’s up to me.  I can do this.  I. Can. Do this.

106 days and counting.  Let’s do this.


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“I’m not dead! I feel…. happy!… I think I’ll go for a walk…”

January 10, 2012
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Hello, all.  I know it’s been ages since I’ve posted.  I figure it’s time to update you on what’s going on in my life.  In my last entry, I told you about my little escapade at the ER.  I ended up gaining about 25 pounds (and freaking out), and then headed back to the bariatric surgeon to get the saline put back in.  I didn’t want all 11cc’s, figuring I’d just end up back there in a few weeks, on my deathbed again.  He put in about 4cc’s and I was back the next day for some more.  I ended up with 7cc’s of saline.  That’s where I still am, because, a month and a half later (just before July 4th), I found out that I was pregnant.  Yep.  Baby number 3 is on the way!  I have to say, the steady weight gain has wreaked havoc on my brain, but I feel better 8 months pregnant now than I did before I got pregnant with our first daughter over six years ago.  And I weigh less at 8 months than I did before I got pregnant with her, too.  I’ve gained about 27 pounds, and that was earlier in my pregnancy.  I’ve pretty much maintained my weight the last 4 months, meaning that I’ve been losing weight while the baby is still growing.  Which makes me happy.  🙂  We’ve also moved, because of a job, and bought our first house in Panama City, FL.  Here are some pictures to update you on the last year.  

ImageMe and Emma at the park last weekend, can you tell I’m 33 weeks pregnant?

Next is me getting my first tattoo, which I designed, of my darling girls’ names and music symbols.

After that is me in NY with my best friend *ever* for her 30th birthday.  These 2 were in April, 2011, just before my ER visit, which was in May.ImageImage

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3/24/10 Update

March 24, 2010
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Just wanted to give you all an update on my progress.  As of yesterday at the doctor’s office, I’ve lost 28 pounds since my surgery on 1/27.  My goal is to lose a total of 30 by the 27th of this month, which will be my 2-month anniversary.  Since my approval-seeking appointment on December 22, 2009, I’ve lost 38.  I can’t wait to be down below 200, but right now my goal is to get out of the 2-teens before my next appointment in 3 weeks.  I lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks, when the doc set a goal of 6 for me, so I think I can do it.  It’s only 8 pounds to get to 210.  I’d like to lose 12.  Danny’s sister was here for 10 days, which was great, but I didn’t work out as much as I would have liked, and I could have made better food decisions, and I still lost the 10 pounds.  So, that’s my plan.  Gym 5 days a week, healthy food choices, lots of water and protein.

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March 7, 2010
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I finally got around to getting my hubby to take  new pictures of me–not something I’m quite fond of just yet, but it’s getting better.  I’m down 35 pounds since December 22nd.  I’ve had several people tell me that they’ve noticed my weight loss, especially in my face, which is usually the first place it goes for me.  I got my first fill on Tuesday, and I lost 4 of the 6 pounds that the doctor wants and expects me to lose before my next appointment on the 23rd.  I’m just hoping that it stays off this time… I don’t like the fluctuation that my surgeon says is to be expected.  With all of this effort and the drastic measure of surgery, I expect it to come off and stay off!  In the mean time, though, I’ve been going to the gym with my neighbor/friend at least 4 times a week.  She’s in the process of getting her personal trainer certificate, so I’m her “practice” which is good for both of us!  The doctor’s goal for me in 3 weeks is 6 pounds; mine is 9.  There’s no reason why it can’t be done, so I’m determined to do it.  Danny’s sister Amie is coming to visit for 10 days and will be leaving just a couple days before my next doctor’s appointment.  I imagine that, between the gym, and getting out of the house and showing her all the joys of the desert, I might just surpass my goal… 😉  

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February 7, 2010
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Hello, all! I just wanted to give you an update on my surgery and weight loss. As of yesterday, I have lost a total of 17 pounds since my surgery a week and a half ago. Since my appointment to submit my weight for approval to the insurance company on December 22, 2009, I have lost 26!!! Needless to say, I’m very excited and pleased with my progress!!! Incisions are healing well, and I’ll soon be able to start a vigorous workout regimine. As it is, I can really only walk right now, which isn’t all that exciting for me! I’m looking forward to doing some Turbo Jam! So far, I’ve had people tell me that my face looks thinner, and I’ve been able to fit into some clothes that I haven’t worn in a while. As for food… I’m currently eating “pureed” foods and drinking protein shakes. Scrambled eggs, ricatta cheese, unsweetened apple sauce. Stuff like that. I’ve also made some vegetable soup, put it in the blender and adding a teaspoon of unflavored protein powder. My mom gave me the recipe (minus the powder) from Weight Watchers, and it’s really good. Most foods I’ve been eating still don’t quite mask the taste/smell of the unflavored powder, but this is really savory and seems to do the trick, and it’s so easy to make!! It’s a can of diced tomatoes, a can of green beans, a can of corn, a can of old fashioned veggie soup from Campbell’s, a can of potatoes (drained–I use the already diced ones), a can of mixed veggies (like Veg-All), and 2 cans of Hormel chili–one with beans, and one without. You just dump them all together in the pot and heat them up. It’s so good! And even after it’s been through the blender, and it’s about the consistency of thick cream of wheat (I add some water) and the protein’s been added, it’s STILL good! It amazes me. I had it for dinner last night, lunch and dinner today…
Right now, I’m in the market for some good-tasting protein shakes. I’ve got the GNC brand of chocolate and unflavored, but the chocolate is getting REALLY old. I’ve decided to scoop out a serving of the unflavored stuff and put a little in everything I eat, because I’m afraid I’m not getting enough protein. Yesterday, my hair came out in gobs every time I ran my hands through it…
Any ideas for good-tasting protein drinks would be appreciated! I tried the one my surgeon recommended, and it about made me throw up. So gross!!! I need some variety or I’m going to go crazy…

1/29/10–diary of an idiot…

January 30, 2010
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Yesterday, 1/29/10, was day 3 after my surgery.  It started out great, since I was finally allowed to drink something a little more substancial than water.  I had an 8 ounce chocolate flavored protein shake for breakfast.  Took me 2 hours to drink it.  I’m not exagerating at all…  for lunch, I had cream of chicken soup, thinned with skim milk.  In about an hour, I’d finished half of it, and couldn’t stomach any more.  Then I had about 4 ounces of chocolate shake, mixed with some peanut butter to give it some flavor and extra protein.  My friend was celebrating her 21st birthday at Olive Garden last night, so my family loaded up the minivan and headed out.  My plan was to just sip on water while we were there, but I looked through the soups to see if there was anything I could have.  I settled for the chicken and gnocci soup, planning to just sip the broth.  Yeah.  I should have had them just bring me the broth, and leave the chicken and gnocci out of it all together!  Those tiny little dumplings were too hard to resist… I broke one up into quarters, and then cut those in half, but it still was too much.  Dumplings are not full liquids!!!  They are flour/bread and swell up in your stomach!  Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

If you’re considering lap-band surgery, stick to the program!!!  Learn from me!  I’m not touching anything but the clear liquids today, in hopes that my body will be able to break down that stupid dumpling (and it was seriously about the size of a nickel, whole, and I cut it into even tinier pieces–SO not worth it!) and then maybe I can go back to the full liquids tomorrow.  No more cheating for me–I’ve so learned my lesson.  I’ve almost polished off a bottle of peach-flavored Fruit2O in the 5 1/2 hours I’ve been awake.  Walked for a little over 30 minutes this afternoon.  Still bloated from the CO2 that they pumped into me from the surgery, and that’s uncomfortable.  But I’ve been limiting the amount of vidodin I let myself take.  Might break down and take one in an hour or so, but it’ll be the first since about 3 am.

Measuring… And today’s food intake.

January 30, 2010
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Well, that was depressing!  Getting on the scale and seeing a big number is one thing, and far more than bad enough.  Taking out the measuring tape and measuring your neck, your chest, your arms, waist, hips and thighs is just begging for suicidal tendencies!!!  One good thing about it, I guess, is that you fully realize where all of your problem areas are–EVERYWHERE.  Blech.  Next week, I’m going to do it first thing in the morning.  Yes, next week.  Every week.  Forever.  Hopefully, it wont take too awful long for me to get to non-suicide inducing numbers…

So, on to what I ate today.  After last night’s debacle with the chicken & gnocci soup, I had decided to keep with clear fluids today, instead of the full fluids and protein drinks.  That worked out really well until it got to be close to dinner time.  I’d only had one 16.9 ounce bottle of Fruit2O bottled water (which I love–the peach flavored one), and I’d walked for about 35 minutes, while talking on the phone with my sister.  So, it’s about 4:30, and my stomach is growling for the first time since Tuesday night, the night before my surgery.  So, I went through my book that I got from my surgeon’s office on things to do to break up the monotony of the protein shakes.  One of the suggestions was to mix 2 scoops of the protein powder in dry pudding mix, and then follow the directions on the box.  So, that’s what I did.  While I waited for the pudding to set, I made dinner for my family, and prayed that the pudding would taste good.  My daughter Emma wanted waffles for dinner–something they don’t get very often.  They’ve both been so good this week, not climbing all over me or pitching fits when I can’t pick them up and carry them somewhere, that I gave in and made them waffles.  Emma had 2 4-inch square waffles, Victoria, just barely 25 months old, had almost as much.  Their daddy barely finished 2.  Cracks me up.  I sat there at the table with them with my 1/2 cup of protein fortified chocolate pudding and a baby spoon.  Of course, the girls were very interested in the food I was eating, because it was quite obvious it was chocolate.  It was very good, too, by the way.  WalMart brand sugar-free chocolate pudding with GNC”s Chocolate-flavored 100% Whey Protein powder mixed in (2 scoops), then 2 cups of skim milk, whisked for 2 minutes, separated into individual 1/2 cup servings and refrigerated until it sets.  Took a little longer than the box said it would, but whatever, it was different.  Very rich and chocolatey. 

I’m still regretting the chicken & gnocci soup from last night.  I feel like that tiny piece of dumpling is still stuck somewhere between my throat and my stomach.  The CO2 that I thought would have dissipated by this morning is still causing me pain in my chest.  My stomach is still bloated and hard, but the incisions are healing nicely.  Hopefully, it will be back to normal soon.  Maybe then I’ll feel a little better about my waist measurments!

The Big Day

January 27, 2010
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So, tomorrow is the big day.  I go in for my surgery at 6:30 in the morning, surgery is at 7:30, and I should be home by 9:30 in the morning.  My kids are spending the night at the pastor’s house.  His wife, Shelli, and their daughter are camping out on the living room floor with them.  I hope they’re able to get some sleep!  It’s weird not having the girls in the house, quiet.  I spent the majority of the evening trying to relax and mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. 

I’m a little nervous, but mostly I think it just hasn’t sunk in yet.  I spent a year trying to get approved and jumping through all the hoops to get to this point, fighting and trying and agonizing; then, I suddenly get approved and scheduled for surgery within a week.  It’s a bit shocking!  But I’m ready.  Ready to get rid of the weight and move on with my life; ready to start living and feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I went out and got all the food I’ll need for the first several days: protein shake mix and unflavored powder, protein drinks, “clear fluids”, eggs, jello, pudding mix, etc.  It’s not going to be easy, but I believe it will be so worth it!  So, here we go. 

Before pictures… I can’t believe I’m posting these on the internet for the world to see… 


January 22, 2010
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Yesterday, I received notice from my surgeon’s office that I got APPROVED for ajustable gastric banding surgery!!!  They scheduled me right then for my pre-op appointment AND my surgery.  Guess when they are??  Go ahead, guess.  Oh, forget it.  You wont guess right, anyway!  The pre-op appointment was TODAY, this morning, actually.  I got weighed and got a 3-ringed binder full of pertinent information.  I was also given scripts for blood work and a chest xray.  FUN!  Not… 

Being that today is the 3rd Thursday of the month, the medical clinic on base was closed.  So I had to find somewhere else to go and get all this stuff done.  Of course, I’m used to being spoiled by the convenience of having the majority of my medical needs met on base, so I had no idea where to go.  I called the surgeon’s office and they gave me two different places to go… took a while both to find them and to get things done.  The blood work–wow–I really felt like I’d gone to visit with Vampires.  Several vials of blood, one of which was huge.  Felt like I was giving a pint and not just vials for lab work! 

All things considered, I would say that it all went well.  Even if it did take all day.  But I had to get it all done today because my surgery is WEDNESDAY!!!  So excited!!!  I have to be at the surgery center at 6:30 in the morning, but the staff at the surgeon’s office worked it out so that it’s outpatient, and I’ll start surgery at 7:30 and should be heading home by 9:30.  I’ll be posting before pics sometime next week, and I’ll post progress reports as frequently as I can.  I doubt I’ll be on the computer at all for a few days after the surgery.  I’ll be posting pictures and maybe measurments once a month.

My Book…

January 20, 2010

I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a novel since I was a little girl, and in the past few weeks, I’ve finally sat down and taken some notes and written out a plot and have made some pretty good progress.  It’s about a little girl who gets put into a group home after her father brutally kills her mother.  She doesn’t speak.  She gets put into the foster care system for several years before she finds the right family that wants to love her forever.  This is a segment from the book, more accurately a dream that the 5-year old main character has.

I had been smaller, and in a house I didn’t remember ever being in. It wasn’t the illustrous house that I was now staying in, and it wasn’t the old, dilapidated group home that was the first home I ever remembered. I was in the living room of a strange, shabby house, dimly lit and poorly maintained. Fadded floral wall paper was peeling from the walls, and there were water stains on the ceiling, the paint bubbling in places. I was hiding behind a faded yellow couch, and it smelled like stale beer and sweat. I cowered in the darkness behind the couch with my knees pulled up to my chest, my arms wrapped tightly around my legs. I stared at the back of the couch, but I knew what I would see if it weren’t there. He would be standing over her, her body curled up on the floor in the fetal position, and his feet would be delivering blows to her body, her head, her legs. Her hands and arms would be trying to protect her face, and she would be bleeding. I tried to hold back the sobs that tried to break through my lips, but a whimper escaped, and I clamped a hand over my mouth, a new wave of panic overtaking me. His angry shouts were silenced at the sound of my whimper, and I heard his heavy boots crossing the hardwood floor toward my hiding place. The couch disappeared from in front of me, and his massive form cast a new, eerie shadow over my quaking form. I could feel the bruises already beginning to form when his enormous hands gripped the tops of my arms, his fingers wrapping all the way around easily. He picked me up to make me eye-level with him. If they weren’t so angry and bloodshot, he would have had beautiful blue eyes, but they were terrifying in their ferocity. Dark brows pulled down tightly over them. His breath smelled of beer, his clothes of sweat. He glared at me, my body hanging limply from his hands, and I tried not to burst into a new round of tears and sobs. I avoided looking into his eyes; my head was bowed so low, my chin was touching my chest. He shook me so that my head was jerked back and I closed my eyes to keep from looking into his. He was shouting at me, but the words slurred together and I couldn’t understand him. He shook me again, then dropped me to the floor. Pain shot through my leg when I landed, and I held back my scream, seeming to know that it would only make things worse. I watched as his right foot left the ground; it swung back and started coming toward me with alarming speed and force. There was no way I could get out of the way in time. Suddenly, something heavy dropped on top of me, just in time to absorb the blows of his heavy boot. It took me a moment to realize that she’d covered me with her own body. This protection seemed to enrage him even more, and the kicks came harder and faster. She never made a sound, except to try to sooth my whimpers with a quiet “sh”. And then it stopped; first her soothing, and then, after another minute, the earth-shaking kicks. Everything was silent. I heard his heavy boots cross the hardwood floor, then the rickety door creaked open and slammed shut. A truck engine roared to life, and tires squealed out of the driveway. He was gone. I tried to shake her, to get her to let me up. She’d gone limp on top of me and was getting very heavy; it was hard to breath. She didn’t budge. I wriggled and shimmied, the pain in my leg excruciating, unitl I was out from under her heavy body, and then I looked at her face. In the dream, it was the face of Jessica, her light brown eyes staring blankly, the life gone out of them, blood covering her face, dripping from her mouth. More blood from her head puddling on the floor. My subconscious knew that she was my mother. That’s when the screaming started.”

I would love any feedback!  I know it’s just a small portion, but whatever you have for me would be greatly appreciated.  I’m a big fan of imagery, so if it’s too much, let me know!

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